When I read to them both in bed he kicks. I can feel it when I rest my hand on her belly. Usually, my Love fall asleep fairly quickly when I read to her, right now it's the story about Uncle Tom from Beecher-Stowe, but the little one is moving - a lot while I'm reading. I don't know if that means that he likes it, but I want to find out. I want to see him, hold him, smell him, hear him - can't wait. I can only think that way during the evening hours - when life calmed down and you don't have anything to distract yourself with. TV was never good anyway, and reading or watching movies doesn't cut it anymore either. This new life that will, hopefully, see this earth soon changes you. All those people telling me this stuff only a couple weeks ago were full of it, so I thought, but now, since he is moving and communicating through his movements, I must say they are right. It changes you, the way you think. You feel afraid - a kind of afraid that you never felt before. And you feel joy - a kind of joy you never felt before. It's not that hard to explain, really. It's just a new life coming to this earth, something you created - no magic, just life. But you didn't create it on your own. You have a responsibility now, not only for your Love, but also for this new Life that you will have to care for. That's where the new type of afraid comes from. When I went climbing, I was scared sometimes, it's normal. But you only get scared for your own sake. When you hang in the wall, the next hook is 30cm away and your arm muscles are screaming - that's one kind of scared. It was my decision to go up that stupid wall. Nowadays, I see reckless drivers, and don't imagine what would happen if I got caught on this asshole's fender, but my little baby. Nowadays I think about food differently, think about learning and teaching differently. Everything changes. Or rather, the way you think about everything changes. I truly believe, that this happens to every parent sooner or later. And this is also why nothing ever changes, why history always repeats itself. Why we sometimes hate our parents for not letting us do the stuff we want to do. Why parents tell their children to "be good in school" or "eat healthy" or "put on the damn helmet when you ride your bike". Its annoying as shit when you are a child. Even later on, even after that friggin' helmet saved your life a couple times, you still can't fully relate to the way your parents thought back then, what made them tell you the same stuff, the same advice, over and over again. It is because of this new kind of afraid. They care for you, and love you. I knew it before, but now I UNDERSTAND it. When I read to them about Elisa I also feel a new kind of joy. Everytime, simultaneously with the worries. Its strange, but it feels good - no, wrong expression. It feels right.