A letter to my crush

You were my crush, a big one.

Since the day i met you, I knew we wouldn't ho anywhere beyond a casual friendship and, for some reason, I didn't care. I was more than happy to accept your laughs, your smile, your friendly smiles, your friendly chat and your enthusiasm around me as nothing more than signs of an honest childlike friendship.

You see, with other girls, in another time I would've worried over whether you were flirting or not. I've had many of those nights in which doubt beats me and I can't sleep even though I'm tired and cold and... I don't know. On those occasions my brain collects every single gesture, from you laughing at my terrible jokes to you saying how good that guy looks in a pink shirt and I'm left to collect all of it thinking it's some kind of puzzle to be solved, seeing a picture (even a fuzzy one) arising from every mindless, minute, trivial act.

But not this time. I know I like you and I know it cannot be. I suspect you like me as well and you know it's impossible too. Either way, I'm left with one thing to do: just being a good guy without further pretensions. Without worries, hopes and second-guessing.

However, that doesn't make you any less beautiful. You're still gorgeous and witty and funny. While it's true you're not a supermodel, a rocket scientist or a movie star, there is still something about you being yourself and me not looking for something else that makes it all "perfect". it's not perfection as in absense of errors, nore like absense of desire and miscommunication. We both have flaws, but somehow they're correctly weaved between the hours we spend together. They just fit.

Makes me wonder about so many things. For instance, why am I so coo about it? Why am I spending my time with a girl I know won't ever be more than a kind friend, despite me really liking her? Wouldn't it make more sense chasing after someone on which I actually have some chance with, however slim the probability? Maybe, it definitely sounds more rational to direct my efforts towards an achievable "goal", a road that will give me insight, experience and wisdom.

However, it isn't rational to look at a girl on the other side of a cafe, classroom, hallway, office or park turning a page on her book and releasing a small sigh and my heart skipping a beat. Liking someone is rarely a 100% rational choice, it almost always has a serious, heavy intrusion of irrational thoughts (I sometimes refer to them as emotions). It's not like choosing a credit plan or deciding which cereal is the best for my diet. I'm sure it's a lot more simple and more complicated than that.

Why is it simpler than "going after someone else"? In layman's terms, I just don't feel like it. I do feel good, without anxiety and interpretations. Why is is more complicated? Here goes: sometimes I think I'm not made for all this "relationships" thing. It sure looks and feels good, but I'm just bad at it and that might have lowered my aspirations and expectations, mybe now I'm just hoping for this feeling because I'm scared of what may lie beyond.

If I could be who you wanted, if I could be who you wanted all the time - Radiohead

It's not rational, remember I warned you.

Now, I'm talking too much and I don't want to bore you. I tend to do it and you tend to listen, which is why I like you

As I was saying, you were my crush. I've spent countless hours daydreaming about you. Not about us; holding hands, running through a daisy field on a golden morning. It was just you and your laugh, nothing too spectacular to everyone else.

And, at the same time, it was spectacular. In a way, you've given me more hours of undilluted dreaming than anyone else. Dreams without jealousy, fear of being cheated on and other social issues. Pure dreams and nothing else. but it was too good to last.

Which is funny, because it never actually began, it just happened. Also because technically nothing between us is changing.

But there's something about this not-relationship that is drives me away when that someone else enters your life. Maybe I am jealous after all, but I don't have the right to call you mine. you're not mine, you're my crush.

What a funny song this is. I'm not saying I'll hate you, I'm not saying I won't like, help or care about you, because I've already done it without excuses and stopping right now would be hipocrytical.

I'm not saying I'll hide from you or your friends, I'm not leaving, I'm not ignoring.

If ever comes a day, God forbid, that you have a problem and you need my help, I'll be there doing my best. If you ever need advice or someone to listen to whatever you have to say, you can call me and we'll talk just like we've always done. No bullshit, no fake fellings, no weak advice of you breaking up with him so you can be with me. 100% true advice at the best of my small wisdom.

but this no-relationship must end. This is a one way street and, unfortunately, you dont' have any say in it. It's not for a lack of trust or because I don't like you anymore. Simply put, a crush like you it's like a reverse illness: it makes me feel better. yet, it's a foreign agent which, sooner or later, must get out or kill me. If, by some weird twist of fate (if such a thing exists) we end up loving each other with a roaring passion, we will marry, but nothing short of it will do.

In any case, that's highly unlikely and easy to solve if it ever happens, so I won't worry about it.

But you, my darling, are on a very different life now than when we first met and I just can't stand it. I've been in enough crush no-relationships to know better: I will start suffering.

Have you ever heard the phrase "pain is inevitable, suffering is optional"? Here's what happens. at this point the pain comes in and I feel bad for not being the only one that makes you laugh like that. It's okay, I'm a social awkward, a bit childish and you're my crush.

But if I don't stop now, the suffering will start and that's the destructive phase, when those unhelpful questions about me and my worth and my role as a good guy friend begin, and they never do me good. I should stop now, when only the good questions and memories are around. this no-relationship ends here and now, but only for my own good, not because of a lack of interest.

Goodbye my dearie. I'm not leaving you, you were never mine.

More in the Archive →